Cowboy
 

An old cowboy sat down at Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning barns, driving herds, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A Mother's Wisdom


HOW TRUE !!!! TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS....



Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate,
Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of the platonic
relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more
curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

__________________________________________________ ________

Dear Mom,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Brian
__________________________________________________ ________

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
__________________________________________________ __

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom

LESSON OF THE DAY -

NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

:shock: Cute. Sounds like he has the same Mom I do :shock:

Hey this reminds me of something. Do you know what a spatula is??
Now don't go looking it up!! How do you pronounce it? spa-tul-a.

It's a spat-u-la. My high school girlfriends mom had it on a small grocery list for her Dad. NOBODY in the store knew what it was. They had to go ask the Mgr what a spa-tula was!! We cried we laughed so hard.

Grandson comes home 1 day and asks his grandmother, "Have you seen my pills"? They have LSD marked on them. Grandmother says,"Screw your pills! Have you seen the freaking dragon in the kitchen".

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no
actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the
money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have
nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only
hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the
same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was
opened.

It read:


Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

2009 Joke Of The Year
Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'

Senior health care solution--according to Maxine

Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered..
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary......

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...

Day 983 of my captivity...

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................

The Latest Collection.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25-to-life would be appropriate.
**********************

America needs Obamacare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
**********************

Q: Have you heard about McDonalds new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
**********************

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
**********************

If Nancy Pelosi has her face lifted one more time she'll have a beard!
**********************

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has legal papers

Three iron workers working on the 71st floor of a new building stop for lunch.

The first opens his pail only to find pasta yet again. Says to the other two, "If I get this again I am gonna jump to my death".

The second worker opens his bag lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches for the third time that week. He too says, " If I get this tomorrow I'm jumping also".

The third worker looks at his lunch only to find cold meat & cheese yet again. Shaking his head he too says "If it happens again tomorrow I am going off too"

So the following day the same iron workers sit down to eat their lunch.
First one opens his pail only too find pasta. Immediately he plunges to his death.
The second worker slowly opens his lunch only to find peanut butter & jam sandwiches He too quickly jumps off.
The third finds cold meat & cheese. Shaking his head jumps to his demise.

At the funeral days later the three widows gather together to talk of their husbands.

First one says " what a shame he was a good husband & father. If I only knew".

Second widow says, "what a shame he was so good to me". I was completely unaware".

Third widow says, "shame, I'll say its a shame,he makes his own lunch"

The Importance of Walking!!


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we
don't know where the hell he is..

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year ...
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
.....'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
..... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

.... and

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends.......
But just e-mail it to them!

One hot summer day, a blond came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.


Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside? The blond said it was hers

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blond replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blond. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'





The blond looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

A border patrol officer was doing is rounds at the international fence when he came across an illegal that had just entered the U.S. The agent stopped him and toldhim we could do this the hard way or the easy way. The hard way being the agent arrest him, book him and throw him in jail for a couple of months, then have to ship him back across the border. Or the easyway, just jump back across the fenca and be home free. The illegal pleaded " oh my patrol man, I have to stay in the U.S. The violence is just horrible over there.
The patrol agent thought for a couple of minutes. Told the illegal if you can use the words "green, pink and yellow" in the same sentence, then I will let you stay. The illegal thought about it for a few more minutes and then said "The telephone went green, green, green. Then I pinked it up and said yellow".

Honk if you love Jesus

Text while driving if you want to meet him

Never Argue with a Woman..
 

What Kids Know About the Ocean

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.

(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island . If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne , age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men, a woman and some
pots and comes back with crabs. ( Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers at night.

(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.

(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up.
One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck.
The other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them men over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the heck was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait still alive or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra....No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts...Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..
'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.

I realize thi s is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail....

Subject: Old Lady's Letter to Bank

Letter to Bank Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by
an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New
York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to
pay my plumber last
month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
presenting the
check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
for seizing that brief
window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of
penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and
letters, --- when I try to contact
you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless

entity which your bank
has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan
repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will
arrive at your bank, by check,
addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you

must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to
open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
employee to complete.. I
am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or
her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In
due course, at MY
convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must
quote in dealings
with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled

it on the number of button
presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank
service. As they say,
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping #5. To transfer

the call to my toilet in
case I am attending to nature.

#6.. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home #7. To
leave a message on my
computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to
you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put
on hold, pending the
attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
play for the duration
of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover
the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less
prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman -YA JUST GOTTA
LOVE US SENIORS !!!!! )

And remember:
Don't make old People mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
it doesn't take much to set us off.


IN GOD WE TRUST

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
(This was actually reported by a teacher)

One year after Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they had spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona .
Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to make it look like grass.
They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardedment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too...
When I earn my retardedment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Jacob, age 92, and
Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida , are all excited about their
decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding,
and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

DD that was cute!!

A lawyer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by another store and picked up a couple of ducks and a goose for his lake.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

The lawyer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my mansion is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a duck under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, "Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me."

"How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The lawyer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two ducks and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the ducks..."

Tiger Woods Holiday Poem



Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden .

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Tiger.....
 

It's near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

She thinks she'll have a little fun first.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these_itches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

Just can't win.....
 

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.


The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna

This is for you dirty old men......

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper...
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'
'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says appily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the
counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk
this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going.
Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put
my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets
the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go
ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to
feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am ?

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how
could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.' :shock: :shock:
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Here is a new thought for you.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like
this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more
than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone
wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What
makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help
you answer these questions:

> If:
>
> A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
>
> Is represented as:
>
> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
> 24 25 26.
>
> Then:
>
> H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
>
> 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
>
> And
>
> K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
>
> 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
>
> But ,
>
> A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
>
> 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
>
> And,
>
> B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
>
> 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
>
> AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
>
> A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
>
> 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
>
> So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that
> While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and
> Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass
> kissing that will put you over the top.

A mad scientist was looking for some brains for a project he was working on and went down to the mad scientist store to get a few ounces of brains for the project. When he got to the brain deli counter he saw Operating Engineers brains were going for $1 an oz, Carpenters brains were $10 an oz and labors brains were $100 an oz.
Confused over the priceing he asked the clerk to explain the priceing. Surely there must be a mix up. How do you explain a Laborers brains priced so high ? The clerk replied, Do you know how many Laborers it takes to get an oz. of brains ?

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD
 

WARNING : ONLY Read This Once You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .......BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'... He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store. :oops:

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS
 

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.. The
effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??
WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit
I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against
a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised… Am I
wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched
the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was..

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs… I
had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone… I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a
significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and
now regularly threatens me with it!

THIS OUGHT TO MAKE ALL GRANDPAS FEEL WARM & FUZZY
....

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts
into her Grandpa's room ........

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes
into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you
croak, we're all going to Disney Land !"

QT.LOW
 

President Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Barack, and told him to drink it all.

Barack chugged down the liquid and replied, 'Yuck! That tasted like bull sh-t!'

The doctor replied, "It was, you were a quart low.

The other day the wife said to me, "I want breast implants, my boobs are just too small"

I says to her, " Rub a couple of pieces of toilet paper between your boobs once or twice a day and they'll gradually get bigger"

She looked at me kinda funny, "Don't be ridiculous, that won't work"

I glanced back as I headed for the door, "Well it sure as hell worked on your ass"