A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She
> notice the man opposite her was smiling at her. She
> immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile
> turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man
> seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man
> burst out laughing she complained to the driver and he
> had the man arrested.
>
> The case came up in court.
>
> The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he
> had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your
> Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus,
> I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat
> down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins
> are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat
> under a sign that said, ' Logan 's Liniment will
> reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she
> placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
> 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could
> hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when She
> moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
> 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this
> Accident'... I just lost it.'
>
> CASE DISMISSED! :lol:

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
> heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make
> sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single
> wire along the top of the fence.
>
> Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
> miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
> into the ground. The ground rod is the key, the more you have in the
> ground, the better the fence works.
>
>
> One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push
> mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact
> that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
> reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
>
> It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all...
>
> Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
> the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
> about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow
> on fire on the cover.
>
> Time stood still.
>
> The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of
> my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
> firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton
> rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with
> the engine.
>
> It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were
> fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.
>
> Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to
> differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
> different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
> bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
> BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
> minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like
> exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
>
> At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
> fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.
> I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always
> had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were
> like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
>
> This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting
> signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this
> point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the
> lawnmower runs out of gas.
>
>
>
>
> 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!
>
> Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
> run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
> in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh please die...
> Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely
> and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go
> command from its owner's right foot.
>
> I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
> the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was
> later on in the day and I was sunburned.
>
> There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then
> another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the
> ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the
> resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.
>
> Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:
>
> 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
>
> 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
> (not the left, just the right).
>
> 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you
> might think.
>
> 4- My left eye will not open.
>
> 5- My right eye will not close.
>
> 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little
> session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better
> than new after that.
>
> 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
>
> 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
> number 4 (still don't understand this???).
>
> That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
> appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make
> sure the fence is unplugged before I mow....
>
> The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
> clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me
> a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check
> before I mow

Just a Tap on the Shoulder
 

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase 'You Gotta Be Chitin Me'?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father Of Our Country, way back when George Washington was
crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 in Washington's boat.
It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters
and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal
had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.

He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said,
'General, I see lights ahead.'

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of “Ill Repute”, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise
stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have
come to the right place.. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.
How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be chitin me.'

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8.. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27... attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

3. And her friend :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ' pullets, ' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. John ' s favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch ' s bell hadn ' t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John ' s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak,so it couldn ' t ring. He ' d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren ' t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.

Excellent :lol: :lol: :lol:

After I retired, my wife Pat insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Walmart . Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse..

Today my dear wife received the following letter from our local
Target.

Dear Mrs. Meeker

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice,'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called..

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 12: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through,yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 14: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 18: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One
of the clerks passed out.

LMAO...sounds like me. :lol: :twisted: :lol:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints Submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. Read the gripe sheet below....the humor is priceless...!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.



P: Something loose in cockpit

S: Something tightened in cockpit



P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.



P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.



P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.



P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.



P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.



P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.



P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.



P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.



P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.



P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.



And I saved the best one for last..................



P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Man Cambird those are good. :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted:

I work for a gov contractor at NASA in Houston, need a laugh every now and then. :D

Tic-Tac-Toe game

http://stuff.pyzam.com/toys/tictacscare.swf

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
What was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

The South - You Gotta Love It

Alabama

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Louisiana

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying .. "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "He'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world."
Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.
The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."

You can say what you want about the South,
But you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sampl e?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law..

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One has a boyfriend, one is engaged, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

The girlfriend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


My engaged friend:
Me too! The other night I met my fiancé and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Boudreaux & Band-Aids
(that's pronounced BOO-drow, for y'all not familiar with Lew-si-ana )

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror

Syndrome
 

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.




A female friend of mine read this and said "it's sad, but more women have balls then men". :shock:

Detective story
 

A detective story

So Pay Close Attention!!!?

Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle into the ball park. The game is very exciting and they enjoy themselves immensely mixing Jack Daniel's with their soft drinks.

Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it, and how many players are on base??




Now think


Think some more!!

You're gonna love this....

Answer:?


It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!



:shock:

I know everyone reading this will enjoy it - no matter which sex you are.
This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a



Woman

In a brand new
Cadillac


Doing 65 mph


With her
Face up next to her

Rear view mirror

Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away

For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane,


Still working on that makeup.

As a man,

I don't scare easily.



But she scared me so much;
I dropped


My electric shaver ,


Which knocked

The donut

Out of my other hand. !

In all The confusion of trying
To straighten out the car


Using my knees against
The steering wheel,


It knocked

My Cell Phone


Away from my ear


Which fell


Into the coffee

Between my legs!


Splashed,


And burned


Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,

Soaked my trousers,


And disconnected an
Important call...


Damn women drivers

I stole this from another forum today.

New Mexico Chilli cook off.

ote: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in New Mexico, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI #4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.

Rabbit thank you. I my chest hurts from laughing too much.

Rabbit--------------i just about fell on the floor reading this :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

i love chilli :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
LIVELY

I lost it when judge #3 said "I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone."

I've been there before. I love hot food and have a dip I make and hardly anybody will eat it because it's so hot. GOOOD, but man it can hurt the next day.

Jimmy Dean Hot sausage, brown it and remove from the pan and drain grease,

melt 2 things of philadelphia cream cheese,

add sausage to it and add 1 can of EXTRA HOT ROTEL, stir until mixed up well and hot.
Eat hot or cooled off with Doritos( my fav) or tortia chips.

If you don't like hot food make it out of mild sausage and regular rotel.

I'm serious this stuff gets hotter the next day too!! I LOVE IT

Why I fired my secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that
morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought...Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember. My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! " It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me." I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, " Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok," I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there...On the couch...
Naked.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

''LITTLEROD'' :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:



''JUST MY TWO CENT'S WORTH''

> Found on the Refrigerator One Morning
>
>
>
> To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be Upset----I shall be home before midnight.*
>
>
>
>
> When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
>
>
>
> To My Dear Husband,
>
>
> I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
>
>
> about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
>
>
> remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math
>
>
> teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
>
>
> read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
>
>
> students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
>
>
> and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
>
>
> As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you
>
>
> will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
>
>
> difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
>
>
> Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.*

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk..

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!

Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employs 140 people, I have resigned

myself to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and

that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way because he wanted to make a change.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have

to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot

increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we

will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been

eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't

know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8

Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these

folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way

to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

RABBIT----THAT IS A GREAT IDEA!!!!!!!!!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: