The Lie Detector...
 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

:shock: :shock: :shock: :lol: :lol:










Mark

2 homos walking by a funeral home
first says to the second hey how about we stop in and suck down a couple cold ones :shock: :shock: :oops: :oops:

:shock: :shock: :shock: :!: :!:





Mark

dont know if this one is clean enough but here goes
why do women paratroopers where jockstraps?
to keep there lips from flapping

also
why do women have 2 sets of lips?
so they can piss and moan at the same time

no offence to any ladys

One
Big
Ass
Mistake
America

I guess it's not so much a joke, but more truth, sorry for the mix up.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh .... .......












"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/7487/cornflakes.png

For St. Patricks Day.
 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day they had each walked across the lake to a pub on the far
side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat
out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly
drowned!
His pal Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked 'It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?'

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your
father, grandfather and great-grandfather were all born in December when the
lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya block head.'

Solution to the problem in Libya :

They want a new Muslim leader, I say, give them ours.


Solves two problems.